The Idiots Guide to Spacetravel
by Genim Stilinski
Summary: Sometimes, the stupid things that the crew did amazed Archer.
1. Chapter 1

Captain Archer had an interesting and often stressful life. It wasn't just of exploration and friendship. He had to deal with the stupid things some of his crew did. Thus, his novel began.

_This was sent as a memo to the entire crew. It was fairly obvious who wrote it._

The Idiots Guide to Space Travel

Here are some simple guidelines to follow in space, both on the ship and off. If we all followed them, there would be far less accidents and reprimands.

1. Do not piss off the MACO's

a. they may one day save your life on an away mission

b. they can make your life hell

_This one was pointed at Malcolm, mostly, who had made an enemy of them the moment they stepped on board. Dr. Phlox wasn't pleased when he and the Major entered sickbay after their little "sparring practice"._

2. Don't bother Commander Tucker when he hasn't slept within the last 12 hours.

a. he gets cranky

b. he isn't very pleasant when he's angry

_This was also pointed at Malcolm. When Malcolm and Trip have a spat, the entire engineering shift gets an earful._

3. Never insult Chef's cooking

_This one is self explanatory. When Crewman Lisbon complained that her Salisbury steak was dry, she found a hair in her next meal._

4. There will be no food fights in the mess hall (or anywhere else)

_Crewman Mason was pissed at his C.O. (Lieutenant Reed), so he got the other crewman at his table to "accidentally" spill on Malcolm as they passed. Let's just say that he didn't take it kindly, and him and the crewmen in question were scrubbing the mess under Chef's watchful eye_

5. No one is to prank-call anyone over the intercom.

_Half a dozen crewmen reported to the Captain's ready room last Tuesday stating that he had called for them. That got old… fast._

6. Pie is not to be hoarded

a. everyone likes pie

b. Chef can't keep up with the increased demand.

_This one was for Commander Tucker. Last week, all of the pecan pie from the mess mysteriously disappeared. This morning, he was seen toting pie tins to the recycling receptacle on B Deck._

7. Decon is not an excuse to fraternize

a. it's creepy

b. it's awkward.

_They know who they are…*cough*Mal*cough*colm*cough*cough*_

8. No one is to make Vulcan Jokes

_Somehow T'Pol always hears about them._

9. No one except for Phlox may practice polygamy

_Several of the male crewmembers tried this on Risa. The numerous divorce papers that littered Admiral Forrest's desk took a solid month to deal with._

10. No one is to open the cages to Dr. Phlox's animals without his expressed permission.

a. they have a tendency to escape

b. particularly his bat

c. they are difficult to find and recapture

_Several crewmen have done this, claiming to have only done so in order to pet them. These same crewmen spent hours trying to get them back to the doctor._

11. If you work in the armory, be sure to report on time.

a. this does not mean, however, that everyone else can report late.

_Malcolm got very angry when his underlings were even a minute late. He was sending in too many complaints. It wasn't even that the rest of the departments were any better at being on time. It was merely that Malcolm was intolerant of the lack of discipline aboard._

12. If you have relationships with other crewmembers, be sure to keep it private and separate from your work.

_Ensign Navarro and Lieutenant Kelby were dating (witch was already inappropriate, as he was her superior officer), and then they broke it off. They can no longer work peacefully together, which is a major inconvenience to Trip, as he was often sent to astrometrics (her post) to fix the fickle monitors. _

13. Be careful about making references to superheroes off-world.

_On Alistair II, an away team unknowingly started a war by debating Batman vs. Superman in front of a child. This child told the entire village of the argument, and it created factions in the society; the Batmen and the Supermen. _

14. As tempting as it is, you are not to use the phasers to stun alien bugs.

_This was directed at Commander Tucker at T'Pol's request, due to something that happened on the first planet they visited, involving some sort of alien scorpion. Archer didn't care to ask more._

15. Care packages are nice to share.

_On their periodic return to Earth, some crewmen receive huge gift basket type things from friends and family. Other crewmen get nothing. It's nice to be nice._

16. There will be no jokes about mothers.

_Somehow, within the past month, it got to be where you couldn't walk in to the mess hall without hearing someone say "Your Mom". Apparently it was an old Earth insult from the early 21__st__ century. It was no longer amusing._

17. No one is to accuse Commander Tucker if the Movies on played on Thursday nights suck. HE DOES NOT PICK THE MOVIES.

_This was, of course, a big lie, but Archer knew that his best friend was receiving a lot of unkind words over picking "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." Apparently, most everyone prefers "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"_

18. No one is the Captain's favorite. Get over it.

_There was a verbal war between the engineering and armory officers over which C.O. was the Archer's favorite. Dr. Phlox was not pleased when several of the engineering officers and one armory officer showed up at sickbay all at once with severe cuts and bruises._

19. It is not okay to rig anyone's communicator to play Christmas carols when it is activated.

_Poor Crewman Cutler was the laughing stock of the crew for a solid week when one of her friends decided it would be funny to do this. It was rather disruptive._

20. No throwing popcorn at people at movie night.

_Also highly distracting. _

By lunchtime, everyone on board was discussing the guide. Archer was pleased.

_Author's Note _

_I got this idea from another story on here. It is called "The Idiot's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy", and it is by Daelena. I felt after publishing the first chapter that I should tell you guys. Also, I do not own Star Trek: Enterprise, and am in no way affiliated with it. I own the DVDs, and like to write stories based on it._

_Thanks._

_Also, the next chapter will be up soon. Thanks for the reviews!_


	2. Chapter 2

A month has past since The Idiots Guide to Spacetravel went out by ship wide memo. It has made a difference, but Archer noted that there were some other things that still needed to be addressed. Thus, chapter 2 of the idiot guide began.

_Once again, the entire crew received a memo, written by an anonymous individual, who everyone knew to be Captain Archer._

The Idiot's Guide to Spacetravel (Part 2)

21. Crewmen are not allowed to have pillow fights in the middle of the night.

a. your neighbors can hear you through the walls

b. everyone usually has to get up early.

_Crewmen Hansen and Thomas, who share quarters, decided at two in the morning that having a pillow fight would be a good idea. The bridge received three reports from other crewmen whose quarters were nearby, and the two crewmen received extra duty for the following week._

22. T'Pol is usually right.

_This one was for the Captain himself, who decided that he should remember it._

22. Ensign Sato DOES NOT know how to speak to animals.

a. this includes Porthos and all of the doctors pets.

_Too many people asked her to speak to particular animals onboard. She got tired of being known as 'The Animal Whisperer"_

23. The Captain is not responsible for the lack of pie.

a. nor is Chef

_People seem to think that he did it, or that Chef was tired of making it. Truth be told, Commander Tucker simply hasn't learned his lesson yet._

24. When in doubt, cut it out.

a. If you aren't sure that what you are doing would be against protocol or not, do not let your fellow shipmates persuade you otherwise.

_Everyone knew that Crewman Cutler was a fine Starfleet officer, but her friends got her to sneak into the galley to retrieve one of the pies that chef had left out to cool. The Captain showed mercy by not writing a note in her record, and she knows better now._

25. Do not poke fun at the superstitions of people on alien worlds.

_Ensign Mayweather thought it was ridiculous that the people of Titan IV did not bathe more than once a week for good luck. He got the away team kicked off the planet._

26. Never stick your hands into a bowl of pebbles.

_Most of the crew wouldn't get this, but the entire bridge staff would. That's how Trip got pregnant!_

27. It is not okay to leave the gym equipment lying out. PUT IT AWAY!

_Captain Archer twisted his ankle after tripping on some weights that had not been put away. He later reviewed the security footage from the gym and figured out who it was. They had to scrub plasma conduits in their free time for a week._

28. The Columbia is not to be referred to as "The Lil Sis"

a. Captain Hernandez does not like it

b. Starfleet does not like it

c. The crew of the Columbia does not like it

_How this one came about, no one knew._

29. Porthos is not to be fed cheese.

a. he gets gassy

b. Captain Archer has to deal with the consequences

_This one was a fairly reasonable request. Chef fed him leftover cheese from the macaroni he made the night before, and the aftermath was devastating. Archer was not happy._

30. Shuttlepods are not toys!

_Travis decided to pull a barrel-roll with Hoshi on board. It was unnecessary, and he ended up having to clean it up when she got sick. _

31. Waking Dr. Phlox during a sleep cycle for anything less than an emergency is not a good idea.

_Why Crewman Brown had to wake Phlox for a cold was still a mystery._

32. When on an alien planet or vessel, you should be diplomatic about any food they offer you.

_Too many crewmen have upset their hosts by the faces they made while eating alien food. _

33. Porthos is not to be used as a test subject for questionable foods.

_Chef tried to feed Porthos a strange leaf (which Phlox had cleared as being "edible"), and it had not agreed with him. _

34. Listen to the crewmen who have been onboard since the beginning of the mission, even if you outrank them.

a. they may actually know what they are talking about.

_Lieutenant George transferred to the Enterprise after the completion of the Xindi mission. He was an engineer on the nightshift. While realigning the sensors, Crewman Erickson tried to warn him that one of the sensor relays was prone to electrical outbursts (meaning that anyone touching them could get zapped). The Lieutenant ignored the crewman, thinking he knew better, and he ended up in sickbay with second degree burns to his hand._

Once Again, the Idiots Guide to Spacetravel was the talk of the ship.


	3. Chapter 3

Captain Archer sat at his desk, thinking about all that had happened in that day. It was evident that the crew needed a third section added to the guide. So it began.

_Everyone received their memo overnight. It read:_

The Idiot's Guide to Spacetravel (Part 3)

35. Unless you are part of a security team, or otherwise directed, do not carry a sidearm while walking down the corridors.

_Let's just say that accidents happen._

36. MACO's are not to harass crewmen for joining Starfleet rather than being one of them.

_It's happened…_

37. Allow Ensign Mayweather more than one line of dialogue during an episode.

_That one's for the writers._

38. All crewmen are to refrain from insuting their S.O.'s while on duty.

_Commander Tucker left engineering after his shift one night, and then realized in the middle of the night that he had forgotten a pad of data. He went back for it, only to find Ensign Havarti ranting to another ensign about how the commander leaves his stuff lying around. She didn't know that he was behind her._

39. Everyone is to remember that the senior staff does not fraternize.

_Too many rumors were floating around about Commander Tucker._

40. The Captain is not going to boot you off the ship for accidents.

_A poor crewman had a panic attack after tripping the Captain. She wouldn't stop apologizing and begging for her career._

41. If you see something out of the ordinary, report it.

_Suliaban. _

42. It is not okay to leave your trash on the tables of the mess hall. CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELFS!

_A few crewmen got the idea after seeing Trip and Malcolm run off in an emergency, leaving their plates on the tables was acceptable. They ended up having kitchen duty._

43. Admiral Black is not a woman.

_Sure, he's made some pansy decisions, but the crew should give him some slack!_

44. Malcolm Reed is not a Vulcan.

_Just because he doesn't show his emotions as much as the rest of us does not mean he doesn't have them._

45. The idiot's guide is not to be used to point fingers.

_The crew had fun guessing who or what prompted certain rules._

Authors Note: Thanks for reading! Also, if you hadn't noticed, these chapters keep getting shorter and shorter. I am running out of ideas. Any suggestions would be appreciated! Also, yes, I do know that Vulcan's have emotions. The explanation for #44 was meant as a joke that Archer has in his own mind. Also, this story is unlikely to ever be completed. I will add additional chapters when I can think of enough.


	4. Chapter 4

Authors Note: I aprreciate the all the many reviews I have received for this story. It truly does make me want to write more. As I have previously expressed, I began to run out of ideas. Therefore, special thanks go to BelleTerre04 for her ideas in which I have elaborated on to create this chapter.

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Jonathan Archer saw how much his guide had improved the crew's behavior, but there was STILL room for improvement. Not to mention, the crew found it highly amusing, and some actually quoted from it on a regular basis. It was good for morale. So, he once again found himself sitting down to write.

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The Idiot's Guide to Spacetravel (Part 4)

46. No one is to poke fun at Vulcans, especially in front of them.

_On a very cold planet, Malcolm and Travis made a snowman. It had pointy ears, which were highly exaggerated. Little did they know, T'Pol was still within earshot. She came back to investigate._

47. Floating poker games are not okay. All organizations STILL must be approved by the captain.

_Hoshi had fallen back on her old habits. _

48. When helping cargo ship captains, it is not okay to brag about your travels.

_Enterprise was assigned a few times to assist cargo ships with various tasks. In one such assignment, a crewman tried to one up a captain. He ended up in sickbay for his black eye._

49. Movie Night is now mandatory for all senior staff, with the exception of emergencies and pre-approved personal days.

_The Captain and T'Pol both needed this one._

50. Beware the low ceilings in the captain's ready room and the observation lounge.

_Too many people have bumped their heads over the years…_

51. Ensure that everyone who went down to a planet comes back up.

_We accidentally left crewmen Juares on Riza. He didn't mind, but that was kind of the problem…_

52. Stick to your Starfleet uniforms unless you have the day off, or are going to the gym.

_Some of the female crewmembers had tried to wear the signature T'Pol catsuit. A lot of the men became distracted._

53. T'Pol is not running a neuropressure clinic. Stop asking her for sessions.

54. Favors of a sexual nature from aliens are not to be taken advantage of.

_Phlox's wife had not only come on to Commander Tucker…_

55. Nail Polish is not regulation. If it is a distraction, your C.O. has the right to ask you to remove it.

_Some of the crew, males included, had been wearing some pretty flashy nail polish. It was distracting, and therefore unacceptable. _

56. #55 does not mean that C.O.'s can wear nail polish, or use it as a weapon in dealing with crewmen they may have grudges against.

57. Grudges aren't good, especially on such a small ship.

58. The mess hall is not for private use. It is for everyone.

_Poker parties…ugh._

59. It is not okay to bring bowls of pebbles to set outside of Commander Tucker's quarters.

_They are starting to become quite irritating to him. At first, he understood the fun intended in it. Now he has security cameras pointed directly at his door to catch the culprits._

60. Lieutenant Reed is not James Bond.

_Some of the female crewmen had overactive imaginations…_


	5. Chapter 5

Authors Note: Hey guys, sorry it's been so long. Lack of inspiration, motivation, and time have all been contributing factors of my absence in the Fanfiction world. So here is a short chapter to keep it going.

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_The crew of the flag ship had fallen into monotony. With no entertainment for weeks, they were forced to find their own. Whilst the captain was all for good clean fun, it had become slightly problematic. Thus, he began another chapter of the guide._

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The Idiots Guide to Spacetravel, Part 5

61. Pranks involving shaving cream aren't funny anymore.

_The oldest prank in the book was getting a bit worn on this ship…_

62. Under no circumstances are crewmen to accept alien drugs, no matter what they promise, or how insisting the hosts are.

_Alien aphrodisiacs…ugh. Dr. Phlox was not too pleased when half the away team to Locrai returned early with terrible stomach aches._

63. Jello is not to be placed on the shower floors in the gym.

_Poor Trip slipped and fell. He had to be taken to the infirmary in nothing but his towel._

_Poor, poor Trip._

67. Never is it okay to hide Commander Tucker's Hypospanner. NEVER

_Oh, the things Trip will do when he gets cranky…_

68. Beatles songs are not to be referenced in front of Lieutenant Reed.

_Somehow the crewmen got it into their heads that because Malcolm was British, that he would be an instant fan. They couldn't be more wrong._

69. As a furthering of rule #68, Lt. Reed is not to be called "Jude".

_Since Malcolm is down all the time, they decided one fateful day to try to cheer him up with a round of "Hey Jude". The name stuck, and he wasn't very happy._

70. No, you can't be a Vulcan or an Andorian for Halloween. Standard dress protocol for that event will be in effect.

71. Hoshi is not conspiring with Porthos to take over the ship. Period.

_They still thought that she could speak to animals…how they even came to that conclusion is beyond me._

72. It is not acceptable to sing loudly in the hallways at any time of day.

_One word. _

_Plox…_

73. The chief of security is not responsible for you missing your targets while practicing with the new phasers.

74. The MACO's aren't to be referred to as "mindless".

_Even if they do shoot first and ask questions later…  
_

75. T'Pol is not the captain.

_Hero worship sucks when it undermines your athourity._

* * *

Well, that's as much as I can think of for now. As far as ideas go, once again, it may be a while before they are any good. Your continued patience is appreciated, as are reviews! Thanks for taking the time to read my work.


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